Feeling HOT

yeah baby.

'

life has been a bit nutty lately. my day(s) off are devoted to one task at a time (as per the depressed people article mom sent me "don't set your goals too high/don't expect to actually do anything with yourself"): go to the library, call someone back, get milk--any one of those could make for a full day. today was phone BU. I ate my toad in the morning, but then the rest of the day you have toad breathe.

'

You can see from the picture how I feel about oranges. I really love them. I feel we are kindred organisms. mandy is coming to visit me on the 13th of march-isn't that nice. what a sweet pants.

My body is feeling quite healed but all the same I've traded the boston marathon for a half marathon in NH in May. my ward actually has a big team that runs it every year. we are: Team Sweet Feet--Faster than the Green-line. cute. I don't think I actually am faster than the green-line these days. I need new running shoes that don't make my feet feel like spaghetti. smelly Harris, I think about calling you just about everyday, but at this rate we are going to be grannies. maybe you should call me. Big crazy Jewish men, on the otherhand, can please give it a rest.

happy day off

It's Friday--what I lovingly refer to as my day off, when really I only work 2 days a week and go to school 1--and in honor of that I took a walk this morning over ice and snow to visit the frozen Charles.
two things you should know:
1. it FINALLY really snowed here
2. ever since I realized that the river in Eternal Sunshine is the Charles I have been obsessed with the idea of it freezing over
Well, it finally has and I don't know where the geese went--they must be hiding in a Dunkin Donuts somewhere cursing New England weather.
I have these horrible cover letters that I saved for myself to write today (on the day off) and now I want to do anything but*. I know Mom's shaking her head--she's going to send me an article on procrastination. anyone want to reenact the motorcycle diaries with me this summer? I'm looking for adventure.
erin

*so far: re-figure out the Kalai song on my guitar that I already figured out and then didn't write down and then forgot, learn the countries of the caribean, make weird peanut butter/flax seed contraptions (a sure sign I need to grocery shop), email links to stupid things to mandy

Frank O'Hara and I wish you a happy saint valentines day

Morning

I've got to tell you
how I love you always
I think of it on grey
mornings with death

in my mouth the tea
is never hot enough
then and the cigarette
dry the maroon robe

chills me I need you
and look out the window
at the noiseless snow

At night on the dock
the buses glow like
clouds and I am lonely
thinking of flutes

I miss you always
when I go to the beach
the sand is wet with
tears that seem mine

although I never weep
and hold you in my
heart with a very real
humor you'd be proud of

the parking lot is
crowded and I stand
rattling my keys the car
is empty as a bicycle

what are you doing now
where did you eat your
lunch and were there
lots of anchovies it

is difficult to think
of you without me in
the sentence you depress
me when you are alone

Last night the stars
were numerous and today
snow is their calling
card I'll not be cordial

there is nothing that
distracts me music is
only a crossword puzzle
do you know how it is

when you are the only
passenger if there is a
place further from me
I beg you do not go

--Frank O'Hara

give me something to go on

february 5th

hey there
it's been so long I feel a little shy...let's talk about the weather
Winter has finally come to Boston. yeah. It is, however and according to the BFF Abby, "stupid ugly winter". Stupid ugly winter is when you have all the crappy stuff about winter (the cold, dead things, ice, dirty half melted snow) without the good stuff about winter. you know the good stuff--winter wonderland type stuff. I think I experienced that one night--I was coming home late and it had just snowed (probably 3 inches or less) and coming up to my house nobody had walked in it yet and even though it was night the snow made everything bright. it made my porch seem sacred--like I should sleep in the yard rather than muss up the snow. that only happened one time.
so for those who know and those who want to know!!!!I somehow tore or stressed an intercostal muscle and if I didn't know my anatomy better I would say it's a big fat pain in my BUTT. (Abby, who isn't an anatomatician told me it must be my metatarsal) For a few days it was so bad it hurt to laugh--I was telling people to please try and not make me laugh. the worst part is I can't run on it. I tried (stubbornly--against cyber-doctor's orders) the other day and after 2 1/2 miles I was ready to cry and I had to stop. I think I did cry on the way home. running makes me feel strong and this stupid muscle makes me feel like an invalid old lady--"hold up there wipper-snapper! where's your hurry!". After a couple days of resting it, though, it feels a lot better and in the interim there's always yoga! yeah yoga!
School is going well--I am part time right now, just two and a half classes (one is a block class). the best one is the epidemiology of AIDS-really interesting. I might save someone yet. I saw a man in the subway yesterday with a sign "living with AIDS" I didn't know what to think, I don't understand that kind of humility--anyway you look at that word. I gave him my T-card because I didn't have any money. I am reading too much at one time, including:
mountains beyond mountains (almost done--in fact it's due at the library tomorrow)
on beauty (thanks Merran--I got the one with voices. I listen to it while I knit)
dummy's guide to meditation
some "so you're a retard" self help books
On Poverty (again!! I thought I was done trying to read this book, but then the library had a cute soft cover copy on display--I am a sucker for cute soft covers)
etc. etc.
Jeff, I lost the scrap of paper where I wrote your recommendation--please recommend it again.
erin

maligayang bati kaibigan

dream of yu

I like you spelled that way--that way maybe I dreamt of you, but maybe I dreamt of some Chinese man instead

I dreamt that you were fresh home off your mission. home was this mix of provo and boston. your hair was long (because you hadn't cut your mission hair yet--weird dream fact that doesn't make sense now). we kept riding around in this mini van and we kept taking these shortcuts by riding along the subway tracks. I knew we weren't supposed to do it and like 3 times the subway came along and almost ran us over, but they never honked at us so we just kept doing it. finally I got sick of almost getting run over so we started biking everywhere. frank was alive and you carried him everywhere we went under your arm--like mandy carries scoop. I told you that there was so much music I wanted you to hear it was crazy and we were both really excited for me to play it for you. for some reason we rented a hotel room. I left the room to get something on my bike and had this whole dream montage of Erin on her Bike (like the Ringgo goes Walking Alone Outside montage) and then when I came back I realized that we shouldn't stay in a hotel room because mom probably really wanted to see you and because I didn't want to spend money on one when we could just go home. from outside on my bike I called to you to come out (the hotel was Grandpa's condos). you stuck out your head and said "Erin!" in a whiney, leave me alone voice. your face had a partially drawn mustache on it, like I caught you in the middle of play acting like a little boy and you said "I just need some time to think!" my feelings were hurt because I really wanted to be with you, but a guy nearby had heard it and was kind of shaking his head like he was on my side so I just said "well that's REALLY great!" sarcastically, more for him than for you. than as I was leaving I told you to take care of frank. you complained, but I said I couldn't ride with him on my bike (which is when I realized that somehow you had) and you said okay. I suddenly felt kind again, instead of hurt, and said I would just go ride around for a while and give you some time. as I was riding away I thought how you were just off your mission and of course you had a lot to think about and I decided I would ride home for you and get you your journal to write in and maybe some church music to listen to. I was worried about leaving Frank. probably because I was starting to wake up, I realized that he was actually dead now, and so since he wasn't real I didn't really have to worry about him.