where was I

October has been my favorite month ever since I got born in it. I like to take it as a kind of 2nd chance at new years: do some hearty self evaluation, set new goals, then charge at them with all the mid-semester zeal I can muster.
this October I am sticking with tradition but I have to admit that this year the self evaluation has been a pretty depressing process. I feel like I've been asleep at the wheel for the past year and am only now waking to find myself miles and miles off course. How did I get all these unpaid bills? How did my running mileage get so slow? where did this extra body fat come from? How have I gotten so out of touch with so many of the people I enjoy most? Where was I when all of this happened??
I could try and blame it on being so happy in my immediate circumstances (AKA living with Leslie) that I forgot to think about long term consequences, like late fees and back fat. but I know myself well enough to remember that things like this have happened before. I've loved procrastination almost as long as I've loved Octobers.
There's a part of me that wants to let out a little mouse shriek then run right back to whatever hole I must have been hiding in. Denial is not just a river in Egypt baby!
But this is October, so I have to be tough. Work myself out of this wreck. Pay the piper.
It's a painful, but humbling, process.
and for now, I am humbled.
humbled and huffing through my morning runs.
stinking.
huffing and stinking. oh man..