Things I find comforting

Quiet chicken clucks
Sounds of my mother making dinner
My backyard
Hot milk
The sound of pencil scratches
Lists
A clean room
The duck blanket
Arrow's sigh when he first gives in to sleep
When Andrew sings
Animal figurines
Listening to stories about the past
Kid kisses
Booties

stress and gettin' 'er done

So I get stressed out kind of a lot.  And considering the various beasts I'm trying to tackle (the MCAT, med school admissions, a tough science course load, this house, getting in shape, rewiring a puppy brain), it's not surprising that I do.  The thing I do find strange, is that the time my stress is most acute is when I am actively working towards my goals.  

Let me give you an example. I feel the most stressed out about being out of shape when I'm actually exercising and trying to eat well.  It's then that I have to face the consequences of every nutter butter bar I've ever eaten and every time I've chosen sleep over exercise.  I start to feel frustrated at myself for my past choices and overwhelmed by how long it will take to reverse the damage.  Conversely, I find that ignoring the fact that I'm out of shape is really comfortable.  It's as though I can make all those problems disappear, just by closing my eyes to them.  Likewise, studying for the MCAT is stressful.  It makes me painfully and constantly aware of how far I have to go and in what ways I haven't met my goals.  Sometimes the stress of recognizing where I'm at (and how much work it will take to get where I want to be) sends me running in the wrong direction.  Pizza and movies are some of my distractions of choice.

The sad, and obvious, problem with all of this is that while ignoring my stressors is more comfortable in the moment, in the long run it creates even greater problems that I will eventually have to face.

Not to turn this into a church sermon, but a scripture comes to mind.  In Alma 42:29, part of Alma's talk with his not so righteous son, Corianton, Alma says "I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more and only let your sins trouble you with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance."  Basically he's saying don't stress out.  And I would add, ESPECIALLY, don't stress out to the point where it's tempting to just give up.  But (and I like that he adds this part), do keep just enough stress around to motivate you to change.  I think if I was a neuropsychologist kind of person there would probably be impressive scientific terms for all of this.  But basically, there is a function in stress, namely getting us to change and to getter done.  But like a lot of things, too much stress can be counterproductive.  

SO, I want to propose a kind of treaty with my brain.  If he (?) will lay off with the stress and regret, I will try and take those temperate, but steady steps towards success.  For example, I go to the gym and my mind wants to think "You feel how hard this is, chump?  You're going to have to do this for like 3 years straight if you want to be in shape.  And did you happen to notice how awful you look in these stretchy pants?  What were you thinking eating those cookies?" etc etc. (Yeah, my brain can be kind of a jerk).  Instead it would be nice to train Mr. Brain to think "Wow, I'm glad we're here.  This is a step in the right direction.  All we have to do is stay on this course."  That would be great.  I might even be tempted to keep coming back.

-E  

me update

This evening I was catching up on blog posts of the mom in England and Ashley and Andrew in Amersterdam, and though I live in Provo right now (read: not cool), I felt inspired to write also.  If life right now was a pie chart, my big slices would be school, MCAT prep, the house, and Arrow.

school
It's a strange thing to be back at BYU taking courses I have already taken with kids more or less 10 years younger than me.  Sounds a little like the premise of a bad dream, but it's actually been all right.  Since I already consider myself too old for any kind of normal social consideration, I somehow feel less pressure and as a result have actually found making friends easier this time around.  I try not to be too annoying, but since I have to really know this stuff for my impending MCAT I admit I do channel Hermione from time to time.  Old Hermione.  I try not to think too hard about the fact that this is the second time I am suffering through ochem and physics and all the other painful premed classes I took as an undergrad (not to mention the second time I am paying for them).  I also try to remind myself that this too shall pass.  I'm not sure when I'll be done, but I can only count courses I take by the end of this year towards medical school pre-reqs.

MCAT prep
I won't bore you with too many details, but basically all the prep courses were really expensive (Kaplan had one for $8000-my theory is if you need that much help maybe medical school isn't for you, you can't take your tutor into the operating room after all).  In the end I decided to go the old school route and ordered some prep books and old MCAT tests.  I'll take the MCAT in May so that my scores are ready for applications in June.

the house
Everyone in my family knows that it's long been my dream (and for some reason my mom's nightmare) to really clean and organize our house.  I love this house-I think it's beautiful-and while my mom has a really hard time with clutter and projects, they are actually two things which I am really good with.  I think I get it from my grandma (have you seen those cupboards?).  So every week I slowly whittle away at some new cupboard or closet or whatever.  In the nearish future I know the mom will sell the house and I hope that what I'm doing will make it easier and (in the case of the larger repairs) will actually increase its value a little.  In the meantime it is my own delight to start with a nasty unusable space and turn it into something clean, functional and attractive.

Arrow
So, the dog used to bring me quite a lot of stress.  Puppies are really really REALLY a lot of work.  A lot I imagine like babies.  Now that Arrow is about to hit the 7 month mark though he is really starting to turn into a good pup and I take pride in being a part of getting him there.  We have gone from a biting, not potty trained (they aren't born that way?), no sleep schedule maniac, to a dog that refuses to bite (even when you shove your hand in his mouth), barks at the back door if he needs to go poop/pee, and sleeps through the night from 10-6:15.  It probably doesn't sound like a great accomplishment to anyone else, but having lived through it all I'm really happy.  Plus, he knows some cute dog tricks (like shake and lie down).  Heck yeah!  Plus, I think he's beautiful and funny and sweet.  So life is good, but still he takes a lot of time with continued training, walks, playing, etc.  I only wish he had some more energetic friends to share some of his enthusiasm (like children or other puppies), but so far those are most often hard to come by-despite my best efforts to woo some of the neighborhood pups.  I guess the concept of a dog play date is just too foreign around these parts.

Of course there's also a little pie sliver for going to singles ward activities (oh yeah, we're talking 31 year old + singles. pretty great), working out, volunteering, not working out, caring for my chickens, shoveling snow, texting my much too far away bff, etc.

Anyways, this is the la vie Eebs for now.  It is not extremely glamorous, or any amount glamorous.  But it's temporary and it's mine and I'm excited to see where it leads.

dank u, mijn broeder